School is out. Now all that stands between me and unemployment are tacky robes that won’t grant me invisibility; a scroll that will make me look like a fool trying to summon a frog out of; and a hat that is not a throwable spinning weapon a la Kung Lau. But I am enjoying the long-awaited freedom, and thus, I’m back to blogging.
Last night I was catching up with my sister in Hong Kong and she told me an interesting story about my somewhat traditional parents. They’re not racist…for the most part, but they do react questionably especially when it comes to homosexuality. The conversation between my sister and I began with school, work, and inevitably relationships. Then it lead to her telling me about this situation she had with our parents (I’ve cleaned up some of the net-speak, apologies Sis):
The parents and the sister are watching TV in the living room. A local Hong Kong variety show was on, with a flashy and arguably flamboyant male host.
Mom:
(in Cantonese) Ugh, look how gay he looks.
(The translation may not do my mother justice, it’s a little closer to “he’s gay to this extent”)
Sister gets annoyed with the remark.
Sister:
Hey mom, what if I told you Phil was gay?
Mother reacts with wide eyes and becomes pale.
Dad:
Hahaha! You really shouldn’t say these things to your paranoid mother!
Sister:
If he was, would you not love him like you do now?
Dad:
Of course we will!
Unlike Dad who responded immediately, Mom hesitated…
As if the story wasn’t funny enough, my sister then went on to say something that knocked me off my chair in laughter – “so if you want to be loved, you can’t be gay my dear : )”
Now in my parent’s defense, they grew up in a different time…that’s all I got to be honest. But what struck me most was the reversal in gender stereotypes. In a typical North American Caucasian family, especially those portrayed in television and movies, shows the father who almost always has the most problems with accepting a gay son. In my parent’s case, it seems my mother would be pale for the rest of her life if I were gay.
Sometimes my siblings and I joke about how one holiday we should all bring home partners of the same sex who have dark skin to meet them. But to prevent any chance of heart attacks and strokes (knock on wood), we’ll refrain from having that elaborate prank materialize.
I have know this about my parents for a while now and it never fails to surprise me. They reside in Hong Kong where, due to influences of other Asian cultures and popular media, many young people you see often dress or appear “gay”. They are surrounded daily by these challenges to traditional gender roles. On top of that, all of my parent’s children are students of the arts, one of whom studied in one of the most notably gay art schools in the US. If nothing else, they should be prepared to brace themselves if one of their children turned out to be gay.
I don’t have a real conclusion here, except to find the humor in the conversation I had with my sister. Also, if you are Asian and you do have trouble with your sexuality, especially with parents, find someone who has been through similar experiences. It doesn’t hurt to talk.
Take the time to watch this inspiring monologue by Craig Ferguson. Try to watch the whole thing, but my main point starts at 4:45 and goes on until the end.
Sir Ferguson talks about alcoholism and his own life story, but his advice can be easily translated into problems with sexuality. Just talk to someone. Someone who has been through something similar. “It doesn’t cost a thing” to talk. I hope this helps in some way.
Mom and Dad, we still love you. Even if you hate us.
Philbert: @philbertlui
April 14th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Did I mention your mom called mine with an outrage I could hear over the phone when she (your mom) saw me after school holding hands with a…wait for it….wait for it….little bit more…WHITE GIRL!
*gasp*
I know.
I’ve read up a lot about this. I think the Asian conservatism melded with being a product of the boomer era, one in which conservative life was almost perfected and the 60′s-70′s were rife with culture and counter-culture that either polarized or confused your views on liberal sexuality became a dangerous combination. The last two generations, with the spread of information, television, progressivism and to a certain extent, well, fuck it, to a large extent, porn, probably liberalizes us for our children, for better or worse (in my view better).
If you think about it though, it is very hard pressed for even us, or at least myself, to by pass my conservative roots. Very difficult. It may be genetically or culturally ingrained into us, but I like to think of myself of liberal, at least socially if not fiscally. But I don’t know what my reaction could be if I had a gay child; not going to say I wouldn’t be personally upset, at least a little.
So I think we can give our parents shit. They can blame the upbringing or whatever, but we can definitely give them shit for it. Question is, will you be giving yourself shit in the future?
—
For the record, my mom would be in full on denial. And not because she wouldnt want us to be gay, but because she doesn’t believe in gay period. She doesn’t think anyone can actually be gay, and only do because they are gay or want to rebel. Yeah, she’s weird like that.
April 14th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Craig Ferguson is pretty awesome and you’re not so bad yourself.
April 14th, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Aww shucks Shirley. Thank you for the compliment and constant support (:
-phibz.
April 16th, 2010 at 12:52 am
Wow this is really cool, thanks for sharing this man!!
I can relate to this, even tho i’m white lol, in alot of ways. which btw totally true stereotype my dad was like…damn when i came out but hes cool with it tho he was just kinda disappointed at first, my mom was like u didn’t tell me first? lol
i would die to see the dark skin same sex partner brought home omg but don’t give ur mom a heart attack! lol better stay away from boys phil! lol
anyhoo this reminds me of a recent thing that happened to me that i think should be a book title. The other weekend my boyfriend’s conservative chinese mother met her eldest son’s white gay partner, at dim sum. i feel like that sentence alone says enough lol my friend actually sorta said those words first when questioning me meeting his mom and i was like huh…theres alot of things wrong with that sentence lol. i just think it would be a great title for some lame romantic comedy. thankfully tho i was introduced as a “friend” which i’m sure didn’t matter since i’m the second of his friends ever to be introduced to her and she does know he’s gay so i’m sure she put 2 and 2 together, fortunately she didn’t say anything and apparently liked me (i’m hoping i impressed her with my asianness and the fact i was carrying confucian texts on me for my essay lol)
This issue tho addresses what my bf has to go through coming from a conservative family, his parents are pretty liberal especially his mom but they are a little nono on the gay topic…and the colour topic too, tho white is more acceptable apparently, prob cuz of media or something i dunno…anyway, his mom technically knows hes gay since she caught him with a boy once and has asked him directly if he were gay, his answer being does it matter? resulting in her crying and saying how she just wants him to be happy. in his case telling his dad is soemthing that needs to be put off, kinda the “white syndrom” in the sense that his dad would be like …no ur not my son kinda deal.
The whole generation thing comes into play here as well. More so i would say with my bfs parents, both come from beijing and are PRO mao…well not everything he did but generally, which i think gives a context of the time they grew up in.
truthfull i cant say to much not being him anf not knowing everything, my experience is different, but being seriously involved with someone who is chinese and comes from a somewhat conservative family means this issue effects me alot and quite possibly will be a challenge in the future. really its not just chinese conservatism but old world conservatism that is found internationaly, especially cultures affected by the christian views of sexuality.
Its actually really funny as well because my essay that i read the confucian txts (sorta) for was all about sexuality in anceient china and gender roles. FACT: in pre-modern china the difference between sexual prefernece didn’t exist, no one was ever labelled as gay or str8 only as man or woman, or of yin or yang elements, a effiminate man would be considered to have more yin traits for example. Homosexuality was expecially present surrounding the Beijing opera where boys acted as females on stage and were courted by male scholars off stage. The Ming dynasty has been particulalry recognized for being sexually liberal, everyone was more open about their sexual nature and much literature was published addressing same sex reltionships for example. I won’t indlge in all my research but theres a lot there i tihnk the post modern conservative chinese psyche has forgotton about its ancient past.
So that’s enough of me ranting, very interesting convo u shared hahaha. Craig had some interesting things to say, i respect the guy alot. Margaret Cho is also great for more directly addressing gay issues and sexuality, being asian american makes her also very applicable to this matter. check it.
side note: Apparently actors in the HK film City without Basketball, film with homosexual reltionships, stated they would verbally and physically abuse a gay man if they were to persue them in real life when asked by HKtv host. thot that was interesting.
*thumbs up
April 17th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Thanks for the comment Matt! Hope your situation gets better! Second generation Asian parents will always find it hard to accept their children being gay. I guess it has to grow on them, time will tell =P
Best of luck my friend.
-phibz.
October 25th, 2011 at 7:46 pm
One of the things that bothers traditional Asian families the most about homosexual children is the fact that you can’t technically give them the grandchild they want.
In fact, that was one of the biggest concerns my family had when my cousin came out.
There was a huge uproar not because he liked boys, and not because we were going to have to stick up for him against all odds because he liked boys, but because he cannot PRODUCE a boy (or girl) that will share the same blood/flesh/last name as us.
One easy answer is: Why not adopt a child?
Frankly, we all know the answer to that – BUT THEY ARE NOT OUR BLOOD AND SO WHO KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM BLAHBLAHBLAH..
What do you think about that?
October 31st, 2011 at 6:09 am
I think it’s a very generational thing when it comes to adoption and Asian parents. Our parent’s generation will think that adoption is “bad” because the stigma against non-blood offspring will always be in their heads. I think it comes from the notion of “family”, where you have to be wholesome and united, and a non-blood child could cause to ruin that, in their minds. Of course, there are exceptions to this. So yeah, a generational thing